Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
You Might Also Like
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.