Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
smh
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more