Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
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I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!