Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
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I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
A woman drives into a bar.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier: