Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
This is hilarious….
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Remember folks 😂
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
