Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.