Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.