Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Hell yeah 👍
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.