Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Not today
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Whoa 😂
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
s
oc
i
a
l
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.