Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

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Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*


They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.


If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing


A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.


Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.


Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.


Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.



5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”


I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.


Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.