@GensPlace

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

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@Dawn_M_

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

@samalmightysam

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

@SoulYodeler

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

@noog

Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:

1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.

@iamburtjarvis

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

@MelvinofYork

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

@AllyBallyBeal

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

@SteveSuckington

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@mattgallo123

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”