@GensPlace

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

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@stephenjmolloy

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

@meantomyself

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

@SaddleLawman

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

@Jesssicle

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

@BlondeCalamity

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

@Parkerlawyer

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

@Bob_Heller

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

@XnotafunnyladyX

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.