Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.