Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
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Woke up against my better judgement again
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?