Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
🤣🤣🤣
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
an octopus is just a wet spider
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.