Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Okay, I’m still confused…
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.