Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
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ok this is my dumbest yet
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Stop sending me this shit.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My inexpensive home security system…
How to properly lift a body
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?