Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Nose
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me