toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
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It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Just why bro?!
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it