[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.