Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
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My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Oh boy, $150,000!
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.