Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Great game to play with friends

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down