Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

#parenting

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

A tragic love story in two pictures.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”