Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I have a type: disappointing
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Breaking news:
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken