You Might Also Like
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.