Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
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My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
no such thing as a dumb question
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE