Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
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*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
i made a craigslist ad !
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
handsome & gretel
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
sugar glider wrangler
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.