TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
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Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
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– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Delightful if true: booby trap.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart