Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
wtf is an acronym
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant