TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.