Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.