@CandyEmpires

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

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@subtweetopath

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

@MomofTeen

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

@Crazy_ButCute2

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

@wordsmithwraith

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

@SwissArmyWife00

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

@MelvinofYork

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

@SteveKoehler22

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

@_yesChef

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle