@CandyEmpires
@subtweetopath [2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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@subtweetopath 
@MomofTeen My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
@Crazy_ButCute2 9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
@Reverend_Scott *rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
@wordsmithwraith A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
@theshantilly Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
@SwissArmyWife00 Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
@MelvinofYork If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
@SteveKoehler22 IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
@_yesChef I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle