Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
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*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Clients after you give them your rates
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I ate everything, including the H.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup