Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
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dam girl
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?