#TopTip
You Might Also Like
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
knights of the ikea table
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Who.
Did.
This?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.