Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
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[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.