Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR