Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.