Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
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we all know this pain all too well
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
see you in hell you stupid fruit
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*