TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I laughed at this way too hard.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
How it started How it’s going
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”