Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
the last thing a carrot sees
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..