Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
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Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.