*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
anyone else like Italian cereal
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.