*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
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It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
A little too much information.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids