*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
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*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
welcome back
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
*Inspirational Tweets*
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Morning my dudes.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!