tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
become ungovernable
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.