totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.