Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
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[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]