Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
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Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳