TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
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If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
it’s the silliest best thing
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.