@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

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@dmc1138

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

@bobvulfov

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

@HenpeckedHal

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

@ScottLinnen

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

@DurtMcHurtt

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

@PAT_E_ROCK

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

@3sunzzz

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.