[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.