Tough love is true love
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A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
RT if you know someone like this!!!
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”