tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
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I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.