Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Animal poetry

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

🐥🐣

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.