touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
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HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach