[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.